At week 36 I connected with the wish for our second daughter to be born at home. In truth I’d been preparing for this idea for months, but not consciously. Over the summer I’d done a family constellations workshop, to put past matters relating to birth in their place, and I’d also worked through unresolved matters of my own and of my sexuality. When the idea consciously came to me, it was the result of having started therapy, which helped me connect with myself and with this need. Joel agreed straight away and without wasting time we prepared so it could be. During those 4 weeks I devoted myself to reading a lot and meeting women who had already been through the experience. Their stories helped me enormously and I was able to connect with their strength and also with my own and that of all women. The truth, however, is that fear was still present in me and I had doubts about whether I could really bear the pain of birth and whether I’d really be capable of it. I kept swinging between feeling very sure and empowered that I could do it and feeling very doubtful and afraid. It wasn’t until week 38 that I felt ready and eager to give birth. Júlia must have felt it and three days later, everything began.

It was 3 in the morning and the first contractions woke me. They were fairly irregular, but I could no longer sleep. I decided that for now I wouldn’t wake Joel and that I’d carry on for a while on my own. I lit a candle, thought about having a shower… I tried the birth ball, but it hurt more sitting down. I was trying to give birth from theory. So after a few minutes I connected with what I’d been doing for weeks in the pre-birth classes with Gemma Solà: “During birth, you have to listen to yourselves and do what your body asks of you”. Standing and moving side to side was what worked for me. Since the contractions were still very spaced out, I thought it would be good to have lunch ready and I set about making some macaroni bolognese… cooking always relaxes me. Two very calm hours passed, making lunch and feeling the contractions. There wasn’t a trace of the fear I’d felt in the weeks before. I was calm and confident in the kitchen at home. At 5 Xènia (2 and a half) woke up:

– Joel, Xènia’s woken up (he was the one doing the whole nights for a good month by then)

– Yes, I can hear her, I’ll get up now

– Oh, by the way, I’m in labour

– (Leaping out of bed) Well, first a kiss for you… and now I’ll go to her.

She must have sensed something was happening, because every time Joel tried to get out of bed, she woke up again. So around 6 we called my father to come and pick her up, give her breakfast and take her to nursery (we’d already planned it that way). At this point the contractions were starting to get a touch stronger. Xènia saw me having one, watching me from a metre away, understanding that I needed space… once it had passed I explained to her that Júlia wanted to be born:

– Let’s see, mum, show me your vulva if she’s coming out already!

I gave her a big hug before she left and from then on things sped up. Joel called Marga, who got organised and was coming right away. My waters broke during a more painful contraction, standing, hugging Joel around the waist from behind. He was getting the pool ready, I was standing near the heater in the hallway. When I felt a contraction coming I called him and hugged his waist tightly. Joel called Marga again because he thought things were going very fast, she was already coming. At 8 my mother and Marga arrived. My mother came to give me a kiss and tell me everything would be fine (she’d found it hard to accept my decision to give birth at home and I loved that she did). She left and Marga began to prepare everything. Her presence comforted me, now the contractions were strong. Being at home I felt free to do and to be… with each contraction I let my strength out through my voice… it wasn’t a scream, it was a sound coming from the very depths of me that connected me with my daughter. I didn’t know it yet, but Júlia was about to be born. Marga’s words were few and measured, a balm for my calm.

– (listening to the heartbeat) Júlia is doing very well.

– You’re doing really well, Núria.

Few words. Letting life make its own way, wise feminine nature. I was still standing in the middle of the hallway near the heater. Marga told Joel to stop filling the pool because she wouldn’t make it in time.

– She’ll give birth here (she said quietly to Joel without me being able to hear)

I felt his head come down and rise again as the contraction eased. The pain was no longer pain, it transformed into doing, into giving life.

– Júlia is coming now, Núria. I can see her hair.

What? Was this it already? But I’d only been in labour a very short time and I wasn’t feeling the pain I’d felt in my first birth (it was in hospital and induced). Wow… I was doing it! I was giving birth! On my own! A sense of pride took hold of me and in another contraction, crouching down into a squat, half the head came out. I touched it… and I felt even more strength to help her finish coming out. With the next contraction, sitting on the birthing chair, our daughter Júlia was born. With her was born in me too the inner confidence of knowing how to give birth and of feeling united with all the women who have given birth, give birth and will give birth (however it may be). We are very strong, we have to know it.

Kisses with Joel, mixed with his tears. I was euphoric and very surprised at myself and at the simplicity of life. Happy and grateful to have her in my arms.

Núria, Joel, Xènia and Júlia